RESTLESSNESS – Pt. 4

I’ve been up one side of the ferris wheel and down the other in my search for some answers about restlessness. I’m not sure I’m any closer to resolution. But, I think I’m closer to being able to live with the word.

While my gut instinct was to eschew restlessness as a symptom of discomfort within my skin, I’m now content to live into the word. In fact, I might even begin wearing it as a badge of honor.

You see, over the past few years, I’ve found that my friendships have shifted. Give me a dollar for every friend who has exclaimed, “You’ve changed,” and I’d be a fat, happy (and restless) retiree. Interesting thing is that some of the folks spoke those words with derision. Sad to say, they don’t talk to me anymore. In some cases, it was my choice; in others, theirs. (And, my snarky self thinks we’re both better off for that.)

Then there are the folks who spoke the words, “You’ve changed,” with a smile in their voice and a backslap in their hearts. They’re the ones that realize you can’t put a string around my neck and a tail on my…well, you know…set me off to fly like a kite and then reel me in when you want.

Restlessness involves trust - perhaps pushing trust waaaaaaay beyond normal limits. If you know me, more than casually, you know that there’s a reason I’m pursuing some new direction or other. You also know that I’ll take what I learn that resonates with me, drop what feels false and continue seeking. AND, as a close friend, you also know that YOU brought something to my table as well – something valuable. You brought your light to help me see who I really am. Your friendship brought me bread and wine to nourish my soul. But, most importantly, you brought your patience to stay within my sight, even when my restlessness gets the better of me, and your loving arms to welcome me back for however long before my next pilgrim journey.

SONNET by Ella Dietz

O my belovéd, hide and rest in me,
Sleep, my belovéd, pillowed on my breast,
Sleep on the heart that aches to give thee rest,
Lulled by the murmurs of the distant sea,
The low-voiced waves, the wind's wild minstrelsy,
Lulled deep in sweet repose and slumbers blest,
Of every care and sorrow dispossessed,
On sleep's light wings we sail the ether free,
For so He giveth His beloved sleep ;
The earth forgetting, they ascend on high
And drink pure draughts from fountains clear and deep,
And find their home eternal in the sky,
Where never a weary soul doth mourn or weep,
For He doth wipe the tears from every eye.

RESTLESSNESS – Pt. 3

The words are easier to string one after another than the thoughts. I’m still not sure where I’m going with this multi-part essay, but I hope you’ll stick with me on the journey. I am, as they say, “leaning into the questions,” perhaps more than I’ve ever done before. Introspection is not for sissies. And this consideration of restlessness is made all the more difficult by my rapidly approaching departure, yet again, for New Mexico and a workshop on Celtic Spirituality (more on that later).

Along the way, Spirit has tossed a few crumbs to nourish my weary soul and hopefully lead me down right paths. Witness:

Does discovering who you are awaken a kind of inner unrest?...If you
started accusing yourself of all that is in you, would your nights and
days be long enough?
– Brother Roger of Taizé, Essential Writings

I have discovered that all the unhappiness of men arises from one single
fact, that they cannot stay quietly in their own chamber.
- Blaise Pascal, Pensées

It is no easy task to walk this earth and find peace. Inside of us, it would
seem, something is at odds with the very rhythm of things and we are
forever restless, dissatisfied, frustrated and aching. We are so overcharged
with desire that it is hard to come to simple rest. Desire is always stronger
than satisfaction.
– Ronald Rolheiser, The Holy Longing

These quotations aren’t making the process any easier.

STUCK

I never intended to let a week lapse between posts. The old Windows 98 desktop bit the dust at the same time that the firewall at work went up. So this comes to you from a bright shiny new Toshiba notebook...


RESTLESSNESS – Pt. 2

“My heart sings…”

The road north from Albuquerque to Santa Fe provides some incredible views as the landscape gradually changes with the elevation, transporting you to a completely new place physically and spiritually. During the hour long drive, the scenery manages to seep into your soul. The word is terribly misused nowadays, but it’s most appropriate to use it here – you are filled with “awe.”

Christ in the Desert Monastery is in Abiquiu which is another hour’s drive north of Santa Fe. During my most recent retreat with Rose, we had the start of our conversation about restlessness during the drive along this stretch of road. Mentally, I was preparing myself for the start of this retreat. In the process, I recalled some prior trips with Rose. I was curious about something that seemed out of character for her. I suppose this is as good a place as any to mention that Rose is an introvert and I am an extrovert – yet another point of contrast between us. I mention this because it may be at the root of my difficulty in understanding our differences.

The closer we came to arriving at the monastery, the more I thought about raising an issue with Rose that would impact our time together. On past retreats, I’ve been surprised by the frequency of Rose’s desire to leave the monastery for the day, whether to visit some nearby site of significance, or even just to get a current newspaper. As an introvert, I would expect that Rose would be content to stay at the monastery and block out the secular world. On the other hand, I am happy to confine my activities to the monastery grounds. I guess Rose might wonder about an extrovert who wants to stay away from people.

I foresaw this difference in our characters as a potential source of stress during our stay, so I wanted to get the issue on the table. While driving to Abiquiu, I mentioned my curiosity about this to Rose. I’m not sure, in retrospect, whether Rose or I attached the label “restlessness.” What ensued was a conversation that continued over the course of several days.

(to be continued…)

SOMETHING'S STUCK

Seems like there's something non-poetic stuck in my craw, so we'll take a break with some prose and see if we can't wiggle it loose...

RESTLESSNESS - Pt. 1

A while back, there was a meme floating around the blogging world that challenged readers to come up with six words to describe themselves in total. It’s been a while but, more or less, my reply was: “Ceaselessly seeking God’s truth and way.”

The label “seeker” has often been attached to me, so it was a good place for me to start in trying to come up with my meme reply. It wasn’t that much of a stretch to come up with the adverb “ceaselessly,” either. My blog is titled “Pilgrim Path” for good reason – I am quite often going somewhere, either physically or spiritually. To some, this might be considered a sign of restlessness. To me, it is a natural state of being.

Recently, I had the occasion to talk to a good friend about restlessness. My dear friend and mentor, Rose, is my former pastor. She was the pastor of the church that I joined mid-life after many decades away from a religious life. In recent years, we have become traveling companions, most often heading off to monasteries for week-long retreats. Just a month ago, we spent some time at one of our favorite spots – Christ in the Desert Monastery in Abiquiu, New Mexico.

Rose grew up in the verdant rolling hills of eastern Kentucky. I grew up in the concrete and asphalt covered flatland of Chicago. And yet, the high desert of New Mexico speaks to both of us. I am fond of repeating the story of the first time I recognized the impact of the landscape of New Mexico on me:

When traveling to New Mexico, we fly into the Albuquerque airport. The car rental agencies are located off-site so you have to take a shuttle bus to retrieve your car. After completing all the paperwork and checking out with the person in the outdoor kiosk, you drive around the rental lot and point your car west in order to get on to the road to the expressway. It is when you make that turn and face west that you are confronted, for the first time, with the wide vista of the high desert landscape. Before I could even catch my breath, the words, “My heart sings…” sprang forth from my soul.

(to be continued…)